Strong Feelings

In the first few weeks of post partum life, there are some intense feelings going on that are hard to read or even explain. Sadness, excitement, happiness, anger, guilt, selfishness, regret, love, indifference, to name just a few feelings that go through your body at different times...sometimes all at once.

I loved this little baby the first time I laid eyes on him when he was placed on my chest in the hospital, but that first week home is incredibly scary and trying. I had so many thoughts about how I must have been crazy to want kids, and how I am too selfish to share my sleeping hours with a hungry little being. There were times where I wanted nothing to do with my baby and where I felt that I would never love him unconditionally. I felt I was a horrible mother when I could not get him to latch to eat and that I was doing everything wrong when he would cry and I could not calm him down. There were times that my own husband worried about my well being because he could tell that something was off those first couple of weeks.

Crying was a nightly occurrence and usually peaked when the sun when down. I broke down every single night. I could not stand the thought of another night of a screaming, starving baby every 2 hours, and being a failure of a mother again. Sleep deprivation takes a toll on the body like nothing else, not to mention the pain from labor that lingers well into the first week of being home. You forget that you are new to this, as is your baby, and that you both have to learn how to do things right, not everything comes naturally just because you popped out a baby or because you think it should.

It is truly scary having a tiny 7 pound baby that relies on you for survival and it is easy to think that having a baby was not your best idea when he is screaming bloody murder for an hour straight at 2 a.m. But, it is all part of the post partum experience!

We sought out help when we could not get baby to latch correctly and he wasn't gaining weight and it helped to solve the problem in no time at all. Now he latches and eats like a champ.

We sought out help when he was crying all day and spitting up a million times, I cut out milk and soy products and his personality has improved, he is much happier, and he is spitting up a whole heck of a lot less.

We definitely learned not to be scared to ask for help when it was needed or when we thought something was wrong. We also learned to go with our own gut, like stopping his acid reflux medicine which seemed to be causing more harm than good. We also learned that we do not need take his temperature 10 times just because he is crying...crying happens!!

A facebook post from a few weeks ago that I wrote:

"It really is easy to lose touch with the wife side of who I am. Between the stress, exhaustion, frustration, sleepless nights, and everything else that comes with caring for a new, helpless life..I sometimes find myself missing the days of having just the 2 of us anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little guy, and being just his and him mine. If I could go back to the day before I went into labor, I'd make sure to spend as much time possible with the man I fell in love with and not take that alone time for just another routine day. I'd let him know that I love him more than I ever had and that I always will. I would let him know that even though we would soon have a baby taking up all of our together time, that just being near him would push my fears aside. I would let him know that when I ask him for burp cloths more than I ask how his day was, that his happiness and well being is on my mind at all times. I would let him know that even though this little sweet baby will steal my heart, he will always be the most loved person in my life. I never want to lose sight of who we were before having a baby. I want to always be on his mind, and not just the image of me holding a baby with 3 day old spit-up clothes and bags under my eyes. I want to always have time for husband snuggles, just like we have time for baby snuggles. I want to always feel the overwhelming feeling of love when he hugs me close. I will always strive to be his wife first and not take for granted what we had and still have. Don't get me wrong, I love this baby with everything I have, and although this stage of life is short and precious, I am looking forward to the days when our little guy is older and I can be his wife again."


Those feelings have come and gone and we are really getting into the swing of things here. We are finding out what works, what doesn't, and learning so much about this little baby. We are learning what his different cries tell us, how to entertain him, how to hold him, how to rock him, how to calm him, etc. We also learned that being outside is one of his favorite things...he LOVES to feel the wind and sun on his face.

The only strong feeling I have left now is this incredible love that I have for our baby. It is an indescribable feeling when my little guy smiles at me, even at 3 in the morning when I am trying to feed him and get him back to sleep. The love one has for a baby is seriously the strongest love of all. I am loving spending every day with him and seeing him change and grow. The feeling I get when he looks me directly in the eyes and "talks" to me is amazing and it melts my heart when he holds my hand while he eats. He is growing so fast and I dread the day that I have to leave him to go back to work and the heartbreak that will come with it. He is seriously my everything!