Strong Feelings

In the first few weeks of post partum life, there are some intense feelings going on that are hard to read or even explain. Sadness, excitement, happiness, anger, guilt, selfishness, regret, love, indifference, to name just a few feelings that go through your body at different times...sometimes all at once.

I loved this little baby the first time I laid eyes on him when he was placed on my chest in the hospital, but that first week home is incredibly scary and trying. I had so many thoughts about how I must have been crazy to want kids, and how I am too selfish to share my sleeping hours with a hungry little being. There were times where I wanted nothing to do with my baby and where I felt that I would never love him unconditionally. I felt I was a horrible mother when I could not get him to latch to eat and that I was doing everything wrong when he would cry and I could not calm him down. There were times that my own husband worried about my well being because he could tell that something was off those first couple of weeks.

Crying was a nightly occurrence and usually peaked when the sun when down. I broke down every single night. I could not stand the thought of another night of a screaming, starving baby every 2 hours, and being a failure of a mother again. Sleep deprivation takes a toll on the body like nothing else, not to mention the pain from labor that lingers well into the first week of being home. You forget that you are new to this, as is your baby, and that you both have to learn how to do things right, not everything comes naturally just because you popped out a baby or because you think it should.

It is truly scary having a tiny 7 pound baby that relies on you for survival and it is easy to think that having a baby was not your best idea when he is screaming bloody murder for an hour straight at 2 a.m. But, it is all part of the post partum experience!

We sought out help when we could not get baby to latch correctly and he wasn't gaining weight and it helped to solve the problem in no time at all. Now he latches and eats like a champ.

We sought out help when he was crying all day and spitting up a million times, I cut out milk and soy products and his personality has improved, he is much happier, and he is spitting up a whole heck of a lot less.

We definitely learned not to be scared to ask for help when it was needed or when we thought something was wrong. We also learned to go with our own gut, like stopping his acid reflux medicine which seemed to be causing more harm than good. We also learned that we do not need take his temperature 10 times just because he is crying...crying happens!!

A facebook post from a few weeks ago that I wrote:

"It really is easy to lose touch with the wife side of who I am. Between the stress, exhaustion, frustration, sleepless nights, and everything else that comes with caring for a new, helpless life..I sometimes find myself missing the days of having just the 2 of us anxiously awaiting the arrival of our little guy, and being just his and him mine. If I could go back to the day before I went into labor, I'd make sure to spend as much time possible with the man I fell in love with and not take that alone time for just another routine day. I'd let him know that I love him more than I ever had and that I always will. I would let him know that even though we would soon have a baby taking up all of our together time, that just being near him would push my fears aside. I would let him know that when I ask him for burp cloths more than I ask how his day was, that his happiness and well being is on my mind at all times. I would let him know that even though this little sweet baby will steal my heart, he will always be the most loved person in my life. I never want to lose sight of who we were before having a baby. I want to always be on his mind, and not just the image of me holding a baby with 3 day old spit-up clothes and bags under my eyes. I want to always have time for husband snuggles, just like we have time for baby snuggles. I want to always feel the overwhelming feeling of love when he hugs me close. I will always strive to be his wife first and not take for granted what we had and still have. Don't get me wrong, I love this baby with everything I have, and although this stage of life is short and precious, I am looking forward to the days when our little guy is older and I can be his wife again."


Those feelings have come and gone and we are really getting into the swing of things here. We are finding out what works, what doesn't, and learning so much about this little baby. We are learning what his different cries tell us, how to entertain him, how to hold him, how to rock him, how to calm him, etc. We also learned that being outside is one of his favorite things...he LOVES to feel the wind and sun on his face.

The only strong feeling I have left now is this incredible love that I have for our baby. It is an indescribable feeling when my little guy smiles at me, even at 3 in the morning when I am trying to feed him and get him back to sleep. The love one has for a baby is seriously the strongest love of all. I am loving spending every day with him and seeing him change and grow. The feeling I get when he looks me directly in the eyes and "talks" to me is amazing and it melts my heart when he holds my hand while he eats. He is growing so fast and I dread the day that I have to leave him to go back to work and the heartbreak that will come with it. He is seriously my everything!

Just a Thought

Whenever I log onto Facebook, all I see are women who are pregnant. (No, really, I have a total of 12 people that I can think of off the top of my head who are expecting on my friends list.) Then there are those who aren't pregnant but have serious baby fever and want to join the maternity club. To all my friends who want to be pregnant and want to start a family, don't take that feeling of longing for granted. The feeling of wanting so much to have your first baby is a special feeling that you will never have again. Yes, I'm sure the second baby is amazing as well, but so is the excitement of planning for that first little one.

It is the first time you are thinking of having a baby, the first time talking with your significant other about starting a family, the first time you have to venture to the drug store to buy a HPT, the first time getting nervous about actually taking that test, the first time of being let down when only 1 line appears in that little window, the first time finally seeing those 2 pink lines that tell you that you are indeed pregnant, the first time announcing to your SO that in 9 short months he will be a father and you a mother, the first time announcing to your family that they are going to be grandmas, grandpas, aunts, and uncles, the first time sending your SO to the store again for more tests just to make sure it wasn't a fluke, and the first time experiencing all those little moments of your baby growing inside you.

That first time baby feeling of longing is quick, but definitely something to hold on to while you wait to start your family. It is such an exciting time in life to be at that stage when a sweet little baby is all you can think about!

The Birth of a Baby Boy (later to be know as "Bug")

The Story.....

On Thursday, January 9th, at 10:30 p.m., I had literally just drifted off to sleep after a long day at work when I was awoken by a huge gush of liquid. Before realizing it was my water breaking, I may or may not have thought that I just peed the bed. I had the Hollywood movie gush that just kept on gushing. So much for just a trickle as so many people will tell you!

Devin wasn't home, but he had texted me to let me know he was on his way. He probably thought I was playing a nasty joke when he received this reply: Good, because I am pretty sure my water just broke.

On our way to the hospital, I realized I had left my wallet (which had my insurance card and license of course) at home and we had to turn around, luckily it was so late and no one was out. When we finally arrived at the hospital at around 1 a.m. we found out that I was 3 cm, (I had been at almost a 2 the week before at my appt.). We got into the delivery room and got hooked up to all the monitors. I was pretty relaxed considering life as I knew it was about to completely change.

 I had decided long ago to have a natural un-medicated birth and was going strong breathing through the most painful of contractions. It was when my contractions started to not let up, and when I started throwing up with every contraction that I could not breathe through them anymore, which meant I no longer had a means of coping with the pain. I reluctantly asked for an epidural which was put into place by 4:30 a.m. AMAZING.

My nurse decided to check me right after hoping I would be at least 5 cm, imagine my surprise when she said “or, how about 8?” I, of course, joked around saying “you mean, I almost made it?”

About 1.5 hours later, I was completely dilated but baby was still at 0 station so we wanted to give him a little time to move down on his own before I started pushing. The nurses and OB's were sure that I would have this baby out by 7 a.m. due to my quick progression.

But of course, 7 a.m. is shift change, so I had to wait awhile before my new nurse was ready. With the first set of pushing, baby’s heart rate kept dropping and even flat lined a few times which was pretty scary for us. I was put on oxygen and flipped to my side to help get his heart rate back up and more regular as all the pushing was continuing to cause his heart rate to slow significantly. I had another OB come in and check me and we decided to hold off on the pushing and use a peanut pillow (most awkward thing ever) to help widen my pelvis and naturally move baby down. It seemed to help because all pushing from then on did not cause the same heart rate drops as earlier, only small dips in which the oxygen between pushes helped—I did not have to use it the whole time.

My nurse thought baby was posterior--which means face down (confirming my thoughts that baby had changed positions just that week...but that is another story), but one of my OBs could not tell...thanks doc!

Long story short, baby was finally born Friday, 1/10, at 1:45 p.m...after 5+ hours of pushing and a little help from pitocin. I am lucky to have had a really awesome on call OB who stayed in the room with me for the last 2 or so hours and would not let me end up with a c-section. She decided that the first hour of pushing did not do anything but cause stress, and the hours on the epidural did not do enough. She actually let the epidural run out so I could start feeling contractions again, and boy did I, especially since I was going for so long. I absolutely LOVED that she did this and that I was able to feel the last bit of painful contractions and intense pressure to know when to push...what an AMAZING feeling, not just what my body felt like but that I was leading my own pushing and telling them when it was time. Turns out, baby was posterior which was most likely why my contractions were so strong and why I had to push for so long, when a baby is in that less than ideal position, labor intensifies and lengthens.

I could not believe how quickly I dilated for a FTM and that I made it all the way to 8 cm without the epidural. I also could not believe how long I pushed...I was “that girl who pushed 5 hours” that weekend at the hospital.

Believe it or not, I'm already looking forward to experiencing labor and attempting a natural birth all over again!

Baby Bug - First skin to skin

Our Parents

Mothers Day

 

Announcing we are expecting to our parents was seriously nerve wracking but fun at the same time. How do you tell your parents that their baby is having a baby? We knew we had to come up with something fun and clever.

 

My mom, being the huge Rays fan that she is, received a Rays Tervis as her main Mothers Day gift, and in the bottom we wrapped up a tiny Rays onesie. When she opened it she had the most confused look on her face and then was definitely surprised! I couldn’t handle the suspense and started crying almost before she opened it!

 

For Devin’s mom, we had re-done our whiteboard and took a picture of it. We edited it and turned the picture into a mosaic type deal which made it look really cool. Devin’s mom loves getting pictures so we stuck the announcement picture in the middle of a stack of pictures from our Disneyland vacation. She was looking through them and lightly screamed when she got to the picture…his dad could not stop saying “cool beans!!”

 

I was glad that both sets of parents were excited, and that the telling them part was over!!!

 

We were also excited to tell my mom that our estimated due date was January 10th, which just so happened to be her birthday. The date was later pushed back to the 15th.

The Beginning

How this whole thing got started......

Finding out I was actually for real 100% pregnant was almost as much of a shocker as it wasn’t. Does that sound right? When women say that they know they are pregnant BEFORE they know they are pregnant, they aren't always wrong. I just knew.

I kept jokingly telling Devin that I was pregnant and he kept urging me to take a pregnancy test to prove it, but I was scared to see either outcome. On May 6th, I drove home from work on a mission. I know most people say “taking a HPT in the morning is the best time!”, well it was 5:00 p.m. and I was not about to wait until morning, so upon arriving home, I got brave and took my first HPT.

Because no one ever believes the first test, I quickly tore open another test. 2 tests and 4 pink lines later, I was pacing around the house saying-yelling, “holy (insert choice word that starts with an ‘s’ here)” over and over again, literally. WHO did I call? WHAT should I do? No freaking way...

I was just as nervous as I was excited to tell Devin the news. I would have loved to have waited until May 11th and surprise him on our 1 year anniversary but that was not about to happen, my head would have exploded! I decided to use our notes/vacation countdown whiteboard on the fridge to announce the news. Complete with multiple pee sticks because if you didn't pee on a stick, did it really happen?

Devin walked in the house and immediately walked right by the fridge, (why would he have reason to look?) and asked if we were going for a walk. I replied like a fool who can't keep a secret, “only if you look at the whiteboard!”. The moment he read the words and saw the tests, he dropped his work bag and hugged me so tight with tears of excitement in his eyes.